This has been playing on my mind for sometime now, ever since I found out I was pregnant with number two it's bothered me. In fact, it's bothered me so much I ended up in tears because I was petrified. It may sound silly or to you it may not be worth crying over - bearing in mind that I am a hormonal pregnant lady - to me it was a big deal and still is - I also know for sure I am not the only Mother to have felt this way.
When I decided to become a Mother I was so excited about the prospect of having a child and the bond I expected to have with her. When she arrived it was safe to say that those feelings far surpassed my expectations, I was completely overwhelmed with love for her. I never could have anticipated just how strong those feelings were and as time has gone on, as she's gotten older and as her personality has grown, those feelings continue to intensify.
What I didn't anticipate, however, was the predicament I am currently in now. Maybe predicament is the wrong word? Whatever word is appropriate, I find myself feeling nervous and on edge about the prospect of what having another child might do our relationship as Mother and Daughter.
That sounds awful really when you think about it but in all honestly I have struggled to feel broody, or clucky in anticipation of the arrival of baby number two. Don't get me wrong it's not that I'm not excited about its imminent arrival. It's more the fact that this time around I find myself having to deal with a lot of other feelings and emotions that I didn't experience when I was pregnant with Ella. I suppose it doesn't help that I'm constantly preoccupied with an energetic toddler who takes up all of my spare time. This does not leave much room for daydreaming about delicious little newborn cuddles.
Ella has gotten to the age now where she calls me Mum and she comes to me of her own accord for a hug and a kiss. When I'm in the kitchen preparing lunch or dinner she'll come up behind me and wrap her arms around my legs. We have such a strong bond now that I worry how it will be affected when I have a newborn that requires more attention and care than Ella needs. I understand that Ella's bond with her Dad will strengthen but a part of me is terrified at the thought of whether we will lose our bond.
I know I am probably being completely irrational but it's something that's been playing on my mind ever since I found out I was pregnant. Another part of me worries about how much Ella will miss out on when she is no longer the only child. Will she pick up on that? Will she think that she's not important anymore? or will she think that Mummy doesn't have as much time for her anymore?
At the end of the day, I'm sure she will be fine. I know that it's just my thoughts getting the better of me and my brain working on overdrive (as it does). I think it comes down to, in part, my selfish need for her to need me as her Mother and for her to look to me as the nurturer.
I'm fully aware that this post is full of rhetorical questions that no one could possibly answer. I fully understand that no one could answer these questions in a way that will satisfy me until I find out for myself when baby number 2 arrives. It could be that I love Ella so much and my heart is so filled with love for her that i question how could I possibly love another so much? The logical part of my brain knows that these questions are ridiculous. Maybe i can take some comfort in knowing that my heart has so much more love to give. If i didn't know that my heart has so much room to love, why else did I yearn to have another baby?
Maybe these are irrational fears that all Mothers face at some point in their lives. I know for a fact that my own Mother and Father feel just as much love for me as they have felt for my younger Sister. Maybe the answers to my questions lie in the fact that the human heart is forever expanding to accommodate for new loves that may not have existed before.