I'm sure a lot of new Mother's can relate to this - though I suppose you can't really class me as a new Mother anymore, Ella is now 6 months old after all. At the moment though, in all honestly I feel as though I'm like a fish out of water, floundering around, gasping for air.
* If you are not interested in brutal honesty or whining, I wouldn't bother reading on *
My memory is in tatters, my hair is falling out, my house is a tip, i'm always late, Ella has a cold, i'm pre-menstrual and have a headache, my great "new" exercise regime has already taken a back seat, i've lost the very first piece of jewellery my Husband ever bought me, i'm tired, always grumpy, perpetually irritable, exhausted and downright downtrodden.
I hate feeling like this. I can't remember anything I need to do and I keep losing things - I lost our only front door key and, as mentioned above, a piece of jewellery with huge sentimental value - I feel like everyday is a struggle to stay afloat and keep things on track.
I've always got a million things on my mind so I can never remember anything else I need to do - it's filled with timings for feeds, what to cook for dinner, finances, dates for appointments, how to get rid of her nappy rash, things I need to buy at the supermarket but always forget i.e rubbish bags, birthdays, when I'm going to get a chance to clean the house and the list goes on.
I really don't know how to keep on top of everything. I only have one child and it's a constant battle. Let alone having two children or working a full-time job - I don't know how those Mother's do it.
I feel as though I never get any down time or time where I can just "switch off" and not have to think about anything. Sure, I've gone out a few times without Ella but my mind is still filled with my never-ending to do list. It's got my brain scrambled. It's like a haze, a mess of things that never goes away.
It takes me forever to get to sleep because I'm still thinking about all the things I have to do and those things that have been on the list since before time began and have never been completed - and won't be completed any time soon.
I just wish I didn't have to do so much. My head hurts.
I miss the days of just not doing anything or never having to worry about remembering things - because my mind was razor sharp. I miss not having to be so "on to it" all the time. I miss not being the one that's alway "in charge". I miss being a carefree young adult who's biggest worry was what I was going to wear out to the club. I miss leisurely mornings. I miss the days where the only thing I had to do was go to work, come home and do nothing.
* rant over *
But, you know what? I wouldn't change it. Oh yea, I could go for a break, or a cleaner, or a holiday but I still wouldn't go back. It's just life, no one said it would be easy, it changes from day-to-day and it will get easier and it will get better. Tomorrow is a new day and all that.
Being a Mother is tough, and sometimes? - it sucks ass, but I love being a Mother. It's the most amazing, most rewarding, most challenging, most frustrating, most exhausting thing I have ever done. I can honestly say, though, she is my greatest achievement.
So, with all that said and all that venting let out it's time to carry on. Someone's got to cook dinner right?